1. Tulum
Once a sleepy fishing village, Tulum is now basically Coachella with ruins. You’ll pay $25 for a smoothie in a bamboo cup, sleep in a “eco-chic” hut that’s somehow more expensive than a Manhattan penthouse, and share the beach with influencers named Sage and River doing sunrise yoga for TikTok. The Mayan ruins are gorgeous, but good luck seeing them without tripping over a ring light.
2. Cancún
Cancún isn’t just a destination; it’s a rite of passage for anyone who thinks mixing tequila and sunscreen counts as culture. Every year, thousands of college students descend here to celebrate spring break the way their ancestors did: by projectile vomiting into the Caribbean. If you’ve ever wanted to drink neon cocktails out of yard-long plastic saxophones while simultaneously regretting your life choices—Cancún’s got you covered.
3. Puerto Vallarta
Picture postcard-perfect mountains meeting the sea… now fill it with retirees named Harold who all have opinions about knee replacements. Puerto Vallarta is where boomers “live cheaply abroad,” which means blowing through their pension on all-inclusive buffets and orthopedic sandals.
The sunsets are stunning, but you’ll probably miss them because you’re trapped in a 4-hour timeshare pitch where the free margarita tastes like despair. You may even find yourself on the Puerto Vallarta Pub Crawl among other degenerate tourists that want to bring their drunken culture to this otherwise beautiful beach town.
4. Playa del Carmen
Playa is like Tulum’s slightly cheaper cousin who read Eat, Pray, Love once and now won’t stop talking about “energy.” The main drag, 5th Avenue, is just a never-ending conveyor belt of tourist shops selling sombreros and “authentic” Mayan shot glasses made in China. You’ll be lured into a yoga retreat, get “aligned” by a crystal healer, and then immediately ruin the vibe by ordering a bucket of Coronas at Señor Frog’s.
5. Cabo San Lucas
Cabo is paradise—if your definition of paradise involves billionaires docking yachts next to frat bros named Chad. The iconic Arch is breathtaking, mostly because you’ll be gasping for air after dodging 200 couples trying to take engagement photos there at sunset. Cabo has two settings: luxury resorts where Jennifer Aniston vacations, and beachfront chaos where someone is doing body shots at 11 a.m. and calling it “self-care.”
6. Sayulita
Sayulita is technically a surf town, but it feels more like a flea market with waves. Every other person is selling handmade jewelry “infused with positive vibes,” which is hippie-speak for bottle caps strung on dental floss. The waves are decent, the vibe is “laid-back,” and you’ll definitely meet at least one guy named River who hasn’t worn shoes since 2009 and wants to talk to you about kombucha for three hours.
7. Holbox
Holbox is marketed as a car-free paradise, which sounds romantic until you realize it’s actually golf carts and mosquitoes. Lots of mosquitoes. It’s famous for bioluminescent plankton that glow when disturbed—kind of like your travel buddy after their sixth overpriced margarita. The beaches are gorgeous, but you’ll spend most of your time scratching bites while waiting an hour for a pizza that claims to be “slow food.”
8. Puerto Escondido
Puerto Escondido is a surfer’s paradise and a tourist’s digestive nightmare. The waves are legendary, the hostels are basically Lord of the Flies with bunk beds, and you’ll definitely leave with a mysterious tattoo you don’t remember getting. You’ll spend your days “finding yourself” on a surfboard and your nights losing yourself in the hostel bathroom. By the end, you’ll swear you’re moving here permanently—until you remember you like running water.
9. Acapulco
Once the glamorous playground of Hollywood stars, Acapulco now feels like Hollywood after a bad divorce. The cliff divers are still incredible, but the seafood vendor serving you shrimp hasn’t refrigerated anything since the Reagan administration. The sunsets are spectacular, but they’ll mostly serve as a backdrop while you wonder aloud if Elizabeth Taylor ever had to haggle this hard for a beach umbrella.
